Recently I went from thinking I was doing really well in a specific area of my life, to realizing I was focusing on the wrong thing, to doing the work to change but with varying amounts of success.
What do you do when your best isn’t good enough for someone you depend on? If you’re a teenager you might depend on your parents, if you’re a stay-at-home parent you may depend on your spouse, if you’re single you depend on your boss to earn a living and put food on the table.
Sometimes I don’t take criticism well. When a person tells me I did something wrong my mind goes straight to the worst case scenario. I’m the worst person in the world or I am the best person. There was black and there was white, but gray did not exist. Today I have to look for the infinite shades of gray.
Before Al-Anon there were times in my life when I was told I was the crazy one. I truly did not understand. I was the one who graduated in the top ten of my class, I went to college and got a degree, I got a job and supported myself, and I paid the bills on-time. You get the picture. How can I possibly be the crazy one? I get it now, but prior to this program I did not.
First I had to get control over my thoughts, actions and reactions. I had to learn to control my thinking. I had to learn to keep the focus on myself and not try and change others. I had to learn there is more than one right. I had to learn and try and do things differently or try someone else’s way of doing things. I have learned a lot and I have a long way to go.
Two days ago, I was “scolded” by someone I depend on and I was not in a position to say the first two words that came to mind. Those words were … hhmmm, how shall I say … unkind. I was livid.
The most frustrating part, was that I was scolded for doing it the way that very same person told me I had to do it. I have been doing it that way for two years. Now that person forgot they instructed me to do it that way and I was to blame.
This person has no idea what-so-ever how hard I worked to change from my way to their way. They have no idea the pride I felt for finding out there was more than one right way to doing things. I was stunned to be scolded for this very same thing I worked so hard to achieve and the pride for accomplishing it. I felt like no good deed goes unpunished. Dammed if you do and dammed it you don’t.
So what did I do you ask? I thanked this person for their feedback. It made me feel like a doormat. But when you depend on someone to put food on the table … I can be right or I can be happy. I choose happy. This person may be upset with me, but their feelings don’t have to be my feelings. I truly did my best and that is all I can ask of myself.
Additionally, if this person wants to change the way I handle this task. I will change again. I choose to look at this as an opportunity for growth and not a worst case scenario. And I will ask my Higher Power for help. If you pray, why worry? If you worry, why pray?
I may not be the best person in the world, but I am certainly not the worst.